On being lonely

Do you ever feel like you're stuck? More or less for no reason, but it seems like every direction you try to turn in, you're met with a wall. Recently, I have felt very productive; I was painting this and that and getting all sorts of materials for varying projects, then, boom. I just sort of stopped.

I am aware of some of the contributing factors- one being that I'm indecisive, another being money, and yet another being that when I finally do decide on a color scheme, I'm told I can't have the paint I want in my desired color (*cough* thanks, Sherwin Williams *cough*). I think one of the biggest issues was that I got really caught up in all these different projects I've been trying to do and was trying to move in too many directions at once. So, as things usually go with me, I've come down off the creative high and now I'm in a defeated slump.

I think some other life situations have been contributing to my slump as well; I was hoping to be closer to moving out by the time September rolled around, yet, here it is the 9th and I'm no closer to having my own place than I was 2 months ago. Again, I know that's my fault as I haven't been the most diligent with saving money, but I guess I thought if I just let things go, they would happen in their own time. Turns out, that's not always the case. So, over the next few weeks, I'm going to try my hardest to put more of my paycheck aside so I can afford to move out sometime this fall.

Yet another issue I have been facing is one of severe loneliness. I'm used to doing things alone. I like sitting by myself in my bedroom after a busy day at work. I like the crafting spells I get into where I spend hours in solitude working away on one of my numerous WIPs. I like wandering through various flea markets on my own, taking as much time as I want scouring each and every shelf. But, sometimes, I want a little company. Because I do everything alone. I go to the movies alone. I go out for coffee alone. I take walks along the river alone. I go out shopping alone. And while having time to yourself is important, being completely on your own is not enjoyable in the slightest.

I have always been a loner. I have always struggled with feeling like nobody wants to be around me. Every time I speak to someone, I have to remind myself that it's okay for me to talk to them, that I'm not necessarily annoying them with my presence. No matter how intently someone may try reassure me that my company is valued, there will always that subconscious feeling that I'm not wanted. And that is really hard to deal with. Especially when you so desperately want to be around people. When you want to go out and have fun and just be in the company of others. I hate the idea that I'm wasting "the best years of my life" sitting alone in my room and being sad for myself. The thing is, I simply do not know how to meet people. I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how it works.

And so, here I sit, wishing I had someone I could connect with. Wondering what it would be like to have someone who is there for you and who you could be there for. I'm honestly terrified that I am going to spend the rest of my life alone. Most of the time, I can shake off that feeling because surely that won't happen, right? But, other times, the thought brings me to tears because it's so overwhelming.

I try to stay positive to the best of my ability- I know things will get better. I simply don't know what to do to make them better. In the meantime, I'll keep on keepin' on, doing what I can to keep my head above water.